The Glossary of North American SDAs is a humorous look at the labels Adventist give themselves. These little definitions are good examples of humor as reflected in religious life.
A Little Adventist Humor
Religion is serious business. But it’s important to step back and laugh at ourselves sometimes. Humor is a way to reduce frustration, to see the other side and most of all to keep from taking ourselves too seriously.
Glossary of SDAs: A through C
Addventists – Add rules and regs to denom life. Example: After church you may take a Sabbath day’ s journey (Acts 1:12) to a lake, river or ocean, and wade, but not swim.
Badventists – Swim on Sabbath afternoons. Polish shoes or press pants on Friday night after sundown or Sabbath morning before church. Skip Wednesday evening prayer meeting. Attend ballet, movies, opera, live stage theater, rock concerts.
Watch professional sports events – baseball, basketball, football, golf, hockey, Indy-500, NASCAR, soccer, women’ s tennis – at least on TV, Rent R-rated videos. “Sample the slots” when driving through Nevada or an Indian reservation. Dine out on Sabbath. Eat burgers, New England clam chowder, hot dogs with yellow mustard. Drink caffeinated coffee and cola, black tea, white wine. Wear finger rings (not just wedding), dangling earrings, necklaces, bracelets, makeup. Bleach, tint, dye, braid hair. Wear hair pieces if not wigs.
Use hair styling gel, nail polish, foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. Play checkers, chess, and real cards instead of Rook. Dance ballroom, barn, break, contra, country, hip hop, line, square. Read novels from Tolkien to Tolstoy to Twain, while leaving unread the “red books.” Ride bicycles. Play tennis. Enlist in one of the five military services, bear arms and work on Sabbath.
Cadventists – Believe, preach, teach, lecture others on, but don’ t live, Adventism
Cladventists – Think to have “put on the whole armor”, but…
Cocoadventists – Think chocolate boasts less caffeine than coffee, so it must be proportionately less sinful.
Comradventists – Aging former Pathfinders who hark back to the “good old” days before the Soviet Socialist revolution in Russia created the C-word ( “Communist” )
Curadventists – Try to put band-aids on church cancers.
Cycadventists – Have retired to Palm Springs or other desert hot-spots to avoid “the wrath to come”
Glossary of SDAs: D through M
Dadventists – Full of “headship theology” they raise Ladventists to be full of “headship theology”
Dyadventists – Marrieds who think to actually control an uncontrollable God and prevent the Second Coming by deliberately not “finishing the work”.
Egadventists – Use “Guy”, “tinkled-off”, “scared witless”, “bullspit” and other euphemisms
Fadventists – Got pumped by Net-90-Something. Raised hair, popped eyes and dropped jaws at Revelation Seminars. Switched from Morrie Venden (the SDA “Martin Luther”) to Doug Batchelor (of “Amazing Fiction!”). Carry the NIV instead of the KJV. Attend celebration church where they enjoy dancing. Fatten up on Little Debbie health foods (hell foods?) because they’re made by Adventists, not to mention such food substitutes as Gardenburgers, Mock Turkey, Fakin’ Bacon, Wham, and Phony Baloney.
Gadventists – Scuttle about among various local congregations as part of the Advent movement.
Gladventists – Grin and bear the “Adds” (see Addventists, Scadventists)
Goodventists – Wear broach jewelry, play Rook.
Gradventists – Church alumni, some of whom hold the RA* degree. They have learned, for instance, that the Clear Word Bible is 100% egg white.
Grrr-adventists – Put the VENT in AdVENTism
Hadventists – Have had it with Adventism.
Jihadventists – “Holy warriors” who want Jesus to come soon and destroy their enemies with lethal radiation from the sky.
Ladventists – FDAs (Future Dadventists of America raised on “headship theology”)
Madventists – Envy Badventists
McAdventists – Plaidventists
Meccadventists – Immigrate or at least pilgrimage to Adventist “hot spots”, such as Berrien Springs, College Place, Collegedale, Hagerstown, La Sierra, Loma Linda, Nampa, Silver Spring, and St. Helena
Mochadventists – Believe caffeine at Starbucks to be proportionately less sinful than caffeine at home
Glossary of SDAs: N through S
NASDADventists – National Association of SDA Dentists (NASDAD) who convene after the annual American Dental Association (ADA) meeting for a prayer breakfast and a dentistry-update class permitting the entire trip to be written off their taxable incomes. Example ADA convention venues: Anaheim (for Disneyland), Orlando (for Epcot Center), Chicago (for Miracle Mile), and Las Vegas (for vdesert cactus tours)
Noncombadaventists – Defend country by leaving the trigger-squeezing to such fellow enlistees as agnostics, atheists, Baptists, Catholics, Episcopalians, Jews, Methodists, Mormons, Muslims, Lutherans, Presbyterians, etc.
Packadventists – Fill convention centers to hear Doug Batchelor tell his cave conversion story
Padventists – Committed to Sabbath-afternoon “lay activities”
Papaladventists – Recognize the hierarchy’s “First Minister” (GC Pres) as Pope incognito
Plaidventists – McAdventists
Radventists – Liberal Adventists, often falsely confused with Badventists
Sadventists – Veteran Gladventists
Scadventists – Historical/Hysterical Adventists (HAs) who emburden themselves with “scads of adds” (see Addventists)
Schmadventists – Dismiss anything even remotely connected to the SDA church as “Adventist Schmadventist!”
Glossary of SDAs: T through Z
Tadventists – Dabble or toy with Adventism
Toscadventists – Hold season tickets to the opera
Try-adventists – “Good worksers”, such as BenTrying of Battle Creek, who study to show themselves approved and perfectly sinless without Mediator or Intercessor
Vegetadventists – Avoid animals as food, but not as:
- Afghan wraps (from the hair of slaughtered camels)
- Angora scarves, shawls and sweaters (from the fur of slaughtered rabbits)
- Boar bristle shaving brushes (from the bristle hair of slaughtered pigs)
- Cashmere finery and kid gloves (from the hair and skin of slaughtered goats)
- “Catgut” strings for tennis rackets, musical instruments and surgical sutures (from the intestines of slaughtered sheep)
- Avoid fish caviar eggs (because that is flesh food) while indulging chicken hen eggs (because that is not flesh food)
- Detergent, fabric softener, “glitter” makeup and nail polish (from ingredients such as scales of slaughtered fish)
- Down comforters, parkas and sleeping bags (from the feathers of slaughtered ducks and geese)
- Glue, candle, crayon, lipstick, lubricant, paint, rubber, shaving cream, soap and wax paper (from various ingredients of slaughtered cattle)
- Leather billfolds, briefcases, belts, Bible covers, cell phone cases, La-Z-Boys, Lexus or Lincoln Town Car interiors, Sabbath shoes, Sunday boots and saddles at cowboy camp meeting, suede handbags, wristwatch bands (from the hides of slaughtered cattle)
- Perfume, cologne, and scented soaps, candles, lip balm, sachets, etc. (from the glands of slaughtered beavers, civets, deer, muskrats and otters)
Vladventists – (from “Vlad the Impaler”, q.v.) Vampires who suck lifeblood out of all other Adventists.
Adventist are a serious lot. But when we can, we will and do laugh at ourselves. The best of us are able to see the importance of add humor to our religious life.
Contributed by Nor the Son of a Prophet